Hayden

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One Woman. Two Worlds

Today I get an email from a friend, "I am getting married!" I chew on that for awhile and then email back with congratulations. Later, I get an email from another friend, "Sorry, I have been so busy. I don't want to be at work. They have downsized and I have to pick up the slack........." I email another friend who has been apart from her husband for two months asking how she managed when it has only been four days for me. "It was hard but I had the kids and my mom so I stayed busy."

All of the sudden it hits me: these conversations are illustrations of what I myself have been dealing with: wrestling with how I define and redefine myself as "you can be anything" competing with "you can't have it all." Living as a woman in the beginning of the 21st Century is a creative act. The task is to fit together the pieces of romance, children, and ambition to form a satisfying life. "Now it is time to find a career, but don't forget to find a husband. Hurry, have a child, the clock is ticking - but what do you mean, you're going to become a single mom or need more time at home? Don't loose yourself in your child or your spouse or you'll never find your way back - but what if you work too much, you'll ruin your kid. What will he say about your trade-offs? What's wrong with you anyway? Weren't you suppose to do anything?"

The conflicts I feel - struggles between autonomy and togetherness, pleasure and pleasing, ambition and being an affiliate - do not resolve. The preasure has intensified. No matter what I do the contradictions between a career or a traditional role get me right in the gut.

Chris

Since Chris left I decided to read myself to sleep like I use to do. So far, the reading makes me sleepy but I think I have slept a total of 6 hours since Saturday. As kismit or devine spirit or whatever would have it, the book I picked out to read must have been started about 2 years ago. Inside was a note-size piece of paper, writen on it was Chris' cell. phone number, his job title, two of his email addresses, a date of 11/2004, seven titles of previous posts from his blog (looking back they were entries I was most amused by - "Drunk on JD & Coke" for one), and the make/model of the car he totalled just a month prior to our first encounter. This is a piece of how I got to know him and I am keeping it. Kind of weird to take notes about someone but damn if I wasn't sprung over this guy. It goes without saying I still am. i just hope that since this post will be the first of me telling him this he doesn't now think I am a stalker.

Finding this piece of our history is so timely with him being away. I miss him so much................................................................ and now we are out of Kleenex.

It Was a Good Day

Chris has less than three days before he leaves for Los Angeles. I am going to make the most of those days.

I got to see Chris for lunch this afternoon after visiting my mom who was working close by - We didn't do anything other than have our vehicles serviced and make a trip to Costco for work slacks. Although I like his relaxed skater/Eddie Bauer look, I will like to see him dressed up, too.

I haven't stressed to much about keeping the house looking clean today - Lord only knows when I let it go those buyers will be knocking down the door to see it. The house by far looks cleaner and more put together than most houses I have ever seen on a home tour.

Chris and I now have a drop date for when the rest of the family will move to Los Angeles - with or without the house being sold. This gives me some peace of mind. I am also thankful that we will not be missing our "date-a-versary/birthdays).

I got a foot treatment last night and it was nirvana. I totally recommend Dahlia Spa (www.dahliaspa.com) in Seattle. They give a great massage and really set the mood, too. My feet are happy!

All and all I am feeling much better. I really need to learn to relax.

Out of Control?

My life feels out of control. Which is odd because I was working really hard to get it under control. I'm not sure what happened. Maybe it's this move and the fear of the unknown it brings. I was thinking as I am here making dinner what I could do better?

I made my choice to be a Realtor and have a child (the root of my chaotic state most of the time), in part because that's what society says to do. Could I have stayed home, in order to feel like I have more control over my home life? Yes, and no. We are not the best financial planners in the world. We've made bad decisions--like buying a house we didn't really care for and dumping a bunch of money into it only to buy in the next year. Like living off of credit cards last summer. My decision to become a Realtor at all might have been a bad decision. I had an assumption, sure, but if I'd had a regular job--or even if I'd stayed at home, things might have been a little better. I chose to work in part as a result of these poor financial decisions. We needed money. Now we need money again to buy a house and move to an area with a significant higher cost of living. Our current house cost half as much as the new one.

Maybe there's something that could be done--free financial planning, a tax credit so that choosing to work vs. choosing to stay at home is more of choice, encouraging, or even requiring, businesses to offer flexible schedules or part-time jobs.

What tugs at me now is not so much the financial issues (though with a mortgage, they're definitely there), but my concern for my son. Am I spending enough time with him? Am I setting a bad example for him by putting other things first sometimes--my work or this move? Will he turn out okay even if homework is not always turned in or if mom (or dad) isn't waiting for him at the bus and is taken care of by "strangers"? I don't expect anyone to take care of all of this, but I do expect people to someday try to help create an environment where people feel comfortable with the choice they've made and the lives they are trying to lead.

Some Kid Stuff

I've been wanting to post about some fun things, but haven't because I've been so caught up in my own emotional mourning. Today I was asked by my cousin (I have many but only have a relationship with one - how sad is that?) to watch her 3-year-old son Jonah. I opted to do it at her house since my house is in its sterile "buy me" state and I thought it would be good for Hayden and I to get out of Chris' way so he could finish the remainder of his to-do list. Well, not but an hour after Yvette left, Jonah thought it was a good idea to paint the kitchen table with blue fingernail polish. I have tried my best with polish remover and elbow grease to get it off but it is still there. I haven't broke the news yet and won't until her husband gets home and I soften the blow by having the dishes done and kitchen picked up. Future Picasso?

Second thing, Hayden has been going along with me to show houses and has been a great helper. He is catching on by telling my clients, "This is your new house -tah dah", as I unlock the door. He is really beginning to show more patience which I am so appreciative of.

In other news, Chris suggested that he and I go out tomorrow night. I was praying that he would want to do something with me before he leaves. I guess the Law of Attraction was in my favor. Hopefully Yvette will be able to watch Hayden for our date. I'll be sure to leave the fingernail polish at home.

Limbo

I have been in a weird state of mind for about a month now. It's not depression although I feel that at times. It's kind of anxious, frustrated. It's almost anticipatory. I don't know. And I know even less why I feel the need to share this here, except that it might make me feel better to do so.

I have always been overly analytical. "Can't you do or say anything without analyzing it?" Um, no, not really. I know it drives people crazy, most of all, me. I do sometimes wish I could just experience life without thinking about it. And there are fleeting moments when that happens, but they're pretty short.

Anyway, I think there are a lot of factors feeding into my current state. I am honestly deeply disturbed by what is going on with Chris' relocation package (if you want to call it that). If I look back to late August, I was anticipating a potential move, hoping beyond all hope that we'd see a swimming pool in our backyard in the future. I keep wondering what other curve ball is going to be thrown at us with the new company, our lender, the real estate market here in regards to our current home. I feel beaten down by people who chastise our decision to move to Southern California. I feel hopeless about the future. I worry about my son's future. Seriously. Though I try desperately to put thoughts about school shootings, abductions, e. coli in spinach, wondering when our house will find a buyer, if we will actually get the house we put an offer on in California and how long will Chris and I be apart, I still find that they're there, nagging at me. And I feel that the lack of attention I have been getting because we have so much on our minds and so much to do is only making those things worse.

Slightly less stressful, my mother moved back from New Zealand about a month ago and although she doesn't tell me, I feel she is still going through some difficult times. Most of it doesn't affect me directly, but I still feel unnerved by it. I'm just feeling very uncertain about the direction we're headed. That's all I can say about that.

A little more serious, I'm kind of feeling the need to runaway. It's not that there's anything wrong. I just feel kind of overwhelmed by my responsibilities as wife and mom. I know I put this pressure on myself because I think I must do it all. Sometimes it just sucks to be the one who keeps track of the house and kid. Even if I don't do the laundry or the dishes, I still feel like I'm the one thinking, "The laundry needs to be done" and no one else is. I'm not sure how to deal with this. I thought the "Daily Cleaning Chart" thing would be good, but it's going to take months for that process to be complete on a household level before it stops weighing heavy on my mind. In the meantime, it's one step forward, two steps back. Hayden, at least, has taken to putting things away when I ask--which is just too dang cute. But still, I don't know how you organize things on the one hand and do basic upkeep on the other. It's not like I want the perfectly clean house (okay, I do), but I'm holding all this stuff in my head--the packing, the clutter in the garage and in the office, everything--and that's not a good thing.

I'm holding out for smoother sailing ahead...I guess. Can I hire a therapist? Drugs? Wake me up when this is all over.

Security Mom

I've accomplished a few things on my list though others don't look like they are going to happen--oh well.

With our impending move, I have been doing quite a bit of research in regards to the school Hayden will attend next fall. Here in Washington, Hayden would have to be 5 by September 1st to go to kindergarten but in California he has to be 5 by December 2nd, in which case he will so now Hayden gets to start early. With this said, I began to think about what worries me most as a mother. I am not overly obsessed about the security of my son, thinking that terrorists are going to attack his elementary school. I worry about other things--like whether he'll become a drug addict or get a girl pregnant or get hit by a car or die from a horrible disease. I hope I am a good enough mother to parent Hayden in such a way as I will not have to worry about this in the future.

Having a Life

Okay, so it's been awhile since my last post (alright, over a year) so let's start over.

Hello. My name is Nickey and I am a real estate agent (soon to take an early retirement due to an impending move where a Washington Real Estate License is no good), a homemaker, a wannabe entrepreneur but most importantly, I am a wife and mother. I have been a wife to Chris now for about 1 1/2 years and and a mother for 4 years as of yesturday.

I hate the limbo feeling that you get when you are moving. I am so much a "nester" and now that my nest is being sold I feel somewhat detached. Today, I thought I had better get on with my life instead of waiting for my life to get on. Over the past 2 1/2 months I have jumped from the Realtor track to an I-Don't-Know-What-Track and I am really ready to make it the Nickey Track. So here is the plan:

*Work on packing.

*Blog. It's not profound wisdom but it's mine.

*Start making change of address cards.

*Keep cutting away at the ivy in the yard. I am not much into yard work but I feel compelled to keep up with this. Plus, it will look better and make the yard look bigger.

*Visit a friend in The Highlands (much belated).

*Laundry--one load a day will keep it from piling up.

*Continue to be completely anal about the way the house looks in case Realtors show up. I want to be with my husband!