Limbo

I have been in a weird state of mind for about a month now. It's not depression although I feel that at times. It's kind of anxious, frustrated. It's almost anticipatory. I don't know. And I know even less why I feel the need to share this here, except that it might make me feel better to do so.

I have always been overly analytical. "Can't you do or say anything without analyzing it?" Um, no, not really. I know it drives people crazy, most of all, me. I do sometimes wish I could just experience life without thinking about it. And there are fleeting moments when that happens, but they're pretty short.

Anyway, I think there are a lot of factors feeding into my current state. I am honestly deeply disturbed by what is going on with Chris' relocation package (if you want to call it that). If I look back to late August, I was anticipating a potential move, hoping beyond all hope that we'd see a swimming pool in our backyard in the future. I keep wondering what other curve ball is going to be thrown at us with the new company, our lender, the real estate market here in regards to our current home. I feel beaten down by people who chastise our decision to move to Southern California. I feel hopeless about the future. I worry about my son's future. Seriously. Though I try desperately to put thoughts about school shootings, abductions, e. coli in spinach, wondering when our house will find a buyer, if we will actually get the house we put an offer on in California and how long will Chris and I be apart, I still find that they're there, nagging at me. And I feel that the lack of attention I have been getting because we have so much on our minds and so much to do is only making those things worse.

Slightly less stressful, my mother moved back from New Zealand about a month ago and although she doesn't tell me, I feel she is still going through some difficult times. Most of it doesn't affect me directly, but I still feel unnerved by it. I'm just feeling very uncertain about the direction we're headed. That's all I can say about that.

A little more serious, I'm kind of feeling the need to runaway. It's not that there's anything wrong. I just feel kind of overwhelmed by my responsibilities as wife and mom. I know I put this pressure on myself because I think I must do it all. Sometimes it just sucks to be the one who keeps track of the house and kid. Even if I don't do the laundry or the dishes, I still feel like I'm the one thinking, "The laundry needs to be done" and no one else is. I'm not sure how to deal with this. I thought the "Daily Cleaning Chart" thing would be good, but it's going to take months for that process to be complete on a household level before it stops weighing heavy on my mind. In the meantime, it's one step forward, two steps back. Hayden, at least, has taken to putting things away when I ask--which is just too dang cute. But still, I don't know how you organize things on the one hand and do basic upkeep on the other. It's not like I want the perfectly clean house (okay, I do), but I'm holding all this stuff in my head--the packing, the clutter in the garage and in the office, everything--and that's not a good thing.

I'm holding out for smoother sailing ahead...I guess. Can I hire a therapist? Drugs? Wake me up when this is all over.